Rotting Roots of Resentment

While having healthy relationships is difficult, the solution is quite simple.

It comes down to one word: EXPECTATIONS.

When our expectations are repeatedly not met, resentment begins to take root and we rot from the inside out. While a tree looks perfectly beautiful and healthy, the real indicators of health are found under ground, in what is not visible without digging.

When the root system is not strong, a seemingly healthy and vibrant tree can come crashing down with horrifying destruction. If you ever heard a tree fall, you know it is a terrifying sound. We all know full grown trees can never be put back up. You will will miss the tree’s beauty, it’s shade and birds it is home to. If that isn’t bad enough, you are faced with the expense of removing the tree and repairs to personal property.

When a big tree comes crashing down, it is a big deal!

If you have been reading my blogs you know I love using metaphors.

So big beautiful trees are a lot like people. When you allow resentment to take hold of your root system you can expect devasting outcomes.

Outcomes that sound like this:

“I quit!”

“I hate you!”

“You’re Selfish.”

“You’re Fired!”

Whether you are an employee, a friend, a lover or a child, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, lack of trust, and yes, resentment can be prevented by simply letting others know what you want, need or expect from them.

What complicates this seemingly easy task, is all the “baggage” we bring to relationships. 

• We tell ourselves we are unreasonable.

• We think others should just “know”.

• We believe we are unworthy of what we want.

• We don’t know how to ask for what we need, want and expect.

• We really don’t know what we want, but we know what we don’t want.

• We are embarrassed to ask.

I’ll make this easy: Stop! Stop over-thinking it. Stop complicating it.

In my work with leaders, I tell them most of the challenges and headaches they have with employees can be prevented by clearly defining their expectations.

In my work with leaders, I tell them most of the challenges and headaches they have with their boss and co-workers can be prevented by clearly defining their expectations.

It’s really that simple.  

Let’s take a common example, Email..

You may be the type that gets torqued if someone doesn’t reply immediately to your emails.

Public Service Announcement:  

Remember, everyone does what seems reasonable to them.  I’ll repeat that because it’s important.

People do what seems reasonable to them.

When you understand that, you can see how things can go sideways, can’t you?

Here is a very basic example of an email you might send:

SUBJECT: Urgent Request

BODY:  Sam, I need the last 12 meter readings for Big Bonnie ASAP!!!  Thanks!

Ok, so here goes some of the different interpretations the person receiving your email may have:

• You’re emails always say ASAP so they don’t know what that means.

• They need more information and need to think about what to do next.

• They are beatint back other alligators that seem more important.

• They are dealing with a raging headache or some similar distraction.

• They use time-blocks and aren’t always on e-mail.

• They don’t like you, so they ignore you for as long as possible.

You see how this list could go on, right? 

So, what if next time you include your *expectations* with the request.

Something like:

SUBJECT:  URGENT Big Bonnie info needed by 1:00 today

BODY:  Hi Sam, I sure could use your help. Bonnie (account #ZLG119) is a very an unhappy customer who wants a copy of her last 12 meter readings. Doesn’t need to be fancy, a system generated report works. I need this by 1:00 if at all possible. Let me know if you need any additional information.  Oh, and If that time won’t work, would you let me know what does, I want to keep her updated. 

I really appreciate you making this happen on such short notice.  Clyde

First of all, my subject line is packed with important info.

Second, I’m nice and respectful – everyone is busy and everyone thinks their work is more urgent than everyone else’s. 

Third, I’m clear on exactly what I want, how I want it and when.

Fourth, I make it easy for them by providing important info

Fifth, I make it easy for them to engage with me by assuming they might have questions or delays.

This example is with email, but it works for everything.  Date Nights, Work Performance, School Expectations,  Feedback Sessions, etc.

I don’t like being frustrated, angry or resentful, and I am guessing you don’t.  And guess what, no one else you know does either.

If you think I am oversimplifying, post an example below and let’s look at it together.